knittingknots (knittingknots) wrote,
knittingknots
knittingknots

  • Mood:

Flashback

(Someone, without meaning to, I'm sure, dropped me right back into the worst night of my life.  I will see this over and over until it lets go.  So I wrote a poem)


Funny how a few words
can send you down into the depths
But here I am,
in the abyss again
that pretends to be a nurse's station
trembling,
(trembling in the here and now,
my right hand
gets that nervous tic)
while the room spins out of control
both here,
in front of my computer
and then,
in the dim lit floor
of the after visitors hours
intermediate care unit,
and my heart pounds in my ears,
and I watch that door,
the room they chased me out of,
that room.
I can still see it 16 years later
as they rush in
they way they do when someone's coded.
The crash cart is missing,
someone moved it off the floor,
and someone else finally found it,
not that it would have made a difference.
and I invisible to them
watch
and I shiver
and I shiver now in my sunny room
O God, O God, O God
Hail Mary full of grace
the nurse gives me an odd look for that one
the cup of water
trembling in my hand
trembling,
trembling
and the nurse smiles
trying to give me hope,
and my heart pounds in my head
and I am so alone,
so alone.
Mama, don't leave me.
And they come up
with their solemn sad faces
and their soft voices
and you've gone.
Tags: poem
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