knittingknots (knittingknots) wrote,

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Oneshot: Bad Idea

I swear my plotbunny held a gun to my head to make me write it.    Be warned.  Snark that drifts into sarcasm.  Pink, if you don't remember, is my plotbunny who drinks the Sake of Illumination constantly, and eats popcorn from a never emptying bowl of popcorn and thinks she's some sort of movie director. 

InuYasha blinked his eyes.

Suddenly, the vast herd of youkai coming his way wavered, and instead of monsters with claw and fang and poison dripping, oni and tengu and snake and dragons, there were a group of females, from the age of twelve, their innocent faces twisted into angry masks  to old crones chanting “Death to the infidel!  Only my OTP counts!”

InuYasha turned and glared at the pink plot bunny standing next to him. “Pink, what in the hell is going on here?” InuYasha said, dropping his sword and letting Tessaiga transform back into its rusty self.

“Yes, Usagi.  You will tell this Sesshoumaru what this means.”  The daiyoukai sheathed Bakusaiga and glared at the pink rabbit, flexing his poison claws.

She took a swallow from the Sake of Illumination.  “Can it, Sesshy. You can’t hurt me with those things anyway. Cost cutting.  We can’t afford to hire real youkai for this story.  So I went out and got a group of fangirls.”

“...” Sesshoumaru replied.

One of the fangirls noticed Sesshoumaru standing there, and squeed.  A pretty thing of about sixteen, she broke from the herd, and actually got close enough to almost touch Sesshoumaru’s mokomoko.  With a flick of a finger, Sesshoumaru tossed her away.  She lay there on the ground, bleeding.  “I can die happy,” she whispered, then passed on.

Pink raised her hand and a pink bubble surrounded the three of them, right as another female made a mad dash towards InuYasha.  “I love you, Inu – ” she was saying as the bubble surrounded them and she was incinerated into pink ash.

InuYasha shivered.“Thanks, Pink.  I didn’t feel like eating dirt.  You know how Kagome just  doesn’t understand when the fangirls go crazy.”

“Eh, was nothing,” Pink said. 

The fangirls grew closer, surrounding the pink bubble.  Once in a while, one of them would scream about their undying love, and throw herself at the bubble and die.

“So much for cost cutting,” Sesshoumaru muttered.  “Instead of the fight you promised, this Sesshoumaru is trapped.” Frustrated, he glared at the fangirls, which caused three more of them to sacrifice themselves at the bubble.

“So, Pink, what do we do now?”  InuYasha asked.  He looked at his watch.  “Gah! We can’t get out of here late.  Last time you made me late, Kagome had me spitting dirt for a week.  And no ramen, either!  I think she thinks Black’s got the hots for me or something.” He shuddered.         

“We’ll get out in time. Just watch,” Pink said.  “Want some popcorn?”

The three of them sat down to watch. The crowd, realizing their prize was out of reach, grew restless.  Some of them sat down with their laptops and began writing fan fictions.  They began to drift into little clusters. 

Before long, the groups began to give the other groups razor glances.  Banners like the type that Japanese footsoldiers used to carry into battle began popping up on the fangirls backs.  They carried slogans like, “Kagome is a bitch!”  “Kikyou is a whore!”  “Kouga Rulez!”  “Yaoi!”  “Inucest!” 

But the biggest groups were in two camps, where the banners proudly proclaimed “SK forevah” and “I/K is the only canon!”

“Now,” Pink muttered.  “It’s going to get interesting.”

Suddenly one of the women from one of the camps walked up to the S/K camp.  “Your characterization sucks!” she screamed.

An amazon, dressed in full armor, popped out of the crowd.  “Yeah, well your fanon is full of crap.  And you couldn’t write your way out of a hole in the ground.”

A sword made up of manga pages, fan art and screen caps appeared in the first woman’s  hand. “Yeah, well eat this, butthead.”  She slammed the sword on the ground “Kaze no Manga!” she screamed, and five fingers of bright light shuddered over the SK camp.

Someone from the Yaoi camp threw a spear.  “Death to Kagome!” the assembly shouted.  There was a sonic boom, but the I/K camp shielded themselves with pictures of RT and the jackets of InuYasha dvds.

From the center of the I/K camp a woman grew to enormous size as her ego swelled.  “AU sucks donkey dicks!” she screamed with a voice loud enough to make the ears bleed, and silence came over the entire assembly.

“This is where it gets good,” Pink said, handing her ever-full popcorn bowl to Sesshoumaru, who took a handful. 

Suddenly, it was a melee. Keyboard chattered and photos and art and weapons of mass destruction were flying everywhere.  One by one, the casualties mounted up.

“I’m bored,” said InuYasha.  “I wanna go home.  Kagome said she was making steak tonight.  And the kids are going to grandma’s.”

“Rin mentioned plans to this Sesshoumaru as well,” said the daiyoukai.

“Don’t want to wait for the end?” Pink asked.  “I thought you liked blood and guts.”

“Yeah, when I’m the one gutting,” InuYasha said.

The plot bunny sighed. “Let’s go.  They’ll never even notice.”  And collapsing the pink bubble, they walked off into the sunshine.

Pink took one last look back at the battlefield.  Blood and tears and TOS violations were everywhere.  “Fangirls,” she muttered.  “I must have been crazy.”  And taking one last swig from her sake bottle, she walked off in search of another story.


***Disclaimer:  This is a work of fiction. Any similarity between actual fangirls living or dead is purely coincidental. No actual fangirls were harmed during the making of this adventure.  ****


Tags: oneshot

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