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Waah!

I've had such bad Christmas blues this year.  I spent much of all day yesterday alternately crying for absolutely no reason under the sun except I felt sad, and hiding from everybody, everyone except my hubby.  Got better as the day went on, and by the end of the day, I was tolerable; I even managed to watch the Nutcracker last night on Ovation and enjoyed it.

But I got a poem out of it, so it wasn't totally a waste:

A Visit from the Ghosts of Christmas Past

Ah, my ghosts,
swirling around me tonight
be entertained
by the flashing lights
of my Christmas tree,
ersatz joy.

Ah the lights,
flashing red and white -
they remind me
not of birth and life,
but of long nights
in bars that smelled
of stale beer
and staler tobacco smoke,
and gaudy jukeboxes,
and groping lust
and wet streets
where the red signal lights
echoed into the midnight.

Ah my ghosts,
haunting me with the excitement
I knew as a child,
knowing that no one now
will fill up my stocking
with apples and oranges,
cheap toys that flash
and whirr
designed to drive adults mad
in half a day,
candy made just for the season,
the joy of chocolate.

As I sip my faux pumpkin latte,
and remember
the smell of my grandmother's mixer
as she made her pumpkin pies.
I would sit on her step-stool chair,
waiting to lick the bowl
and looked at the calender
that promised snow
that never came.

The night inside of me,
haunted by your memories,
O ghosts,
So dark.

I will finish my coffee,
and turn off the tree lights,
and think of the stars
so many,
such a large universe,
and how I sit here,
less than a grain on time's beach,
and know, my ghosts,
that you are such insignificant things,
and reaffirming that,
I will go to sleep.

Today, I am much better.  I'm just a moodswingy kind of person, anyway, but yesterday got me wondering if I needed to be back on meds, but when it only happens once or twice a month for maybe 12 hours, it's kind of not justifiable.

But in other, less depressive news, the MRI went fine...I had absolutely no trouble being in the tube.  Supposedly I'll find out tomorrow maybe, or the day after, about the results.

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Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
kiramaru7
Dec. 22nd, 2010 11:37 pm (UTC)
*huggles* I'm glad you're feeling better today, KK!

Loved the poem! :D

YAY! for having no trouble with the MRI! May the news you get back be as good! *more huggles*
eggplantlady
Dec. 22nd, 2010 11:39 pm (UTC)
Hope you continue to feel better, and best of luck with the MRI! <3
luxken27
Dec. 23rd, 2010 03:31 am (UTC)
yesterday got me wondering if I needed to be back on meds, but when it only happens once or twice a month for maybe 12 hours, it's kind of not justifiable

Well, 12 hours *does* rather affect your ability to go about your normal routine :-/ I'm glad you were able to get through it, at any rate. Sounds like the holidays are times of reflection, not always wanted, for you. Hmm...

Supposedly I'll find out tomorrow maybe, or the day after, about the results.

Merry freaking Christmas, indeed o.O

*hug* *extends some guilty pleasure music in your direction*
knittingknots
Dec. 23rd, 2010 05:05 am (UTC)
Well, at least with the shoulder, it's not a surprise; it's just a diagnostic to check out the damage, whatever it is, more thoroughly before I go see the shoulder guy.

Yeah, ever since my mom died back in 96, Christmas has been somewhat hard. It's her absence and the breakup of old family routines that echo pretty hard this time of year...So I try not to get to excited and wrapped up in things. But sometimes things slip through the cracks.

I'm just your typical mood-swingy creative person, I suspect...
luxken27
Dec. 23rd, 2010 03:10 pm (UTC)
Well, at least with the shoulder, it's not a surprise; it's just a diagnostic to check out the damage, whatever it is, more thoroughly before I go see the shoulder guy.

Still - the prospect of finding out what kind of surgery you'll need in the new year can't be much of a Christmas gift :P

It's her absence and the breakup of old family routines that echo pretty hard this time of year...I'm just your typical mood-swingy creative person, I suspect...

*nods* Yeah, one of the downsides of being sensitive is feeling all the bad stuff just as deeply as the good. Not that that knowledge makes it any easier to take, unfortunately...*hug*
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )